AUGUSTUS GLOOP AND REGAN

When I began this blog, I suggested that I'd post on anything I see that I find interesting, amusing, beautiful or even grotesque - even people.

A couple of months or so down the line, and I think I'll make my first post on people (I've posted nothing so far - mainly nature notes).

So...

We live next door to a Polish family, (who doesn't these days, but that won't be discussed here), and next door to a lovely young couple of Brits on the other side of the house.

It's the Poles who will be the subject of my first post on people.

The family is four strong. Mother, Father, and two children - one boy and one girl. All four are clinically obese, and downright loud and nasty to be honest - shouting constantly (in Polish through thin walls), spitting in the street and living hanging off their front door, rather than living inside their house. I can handle it though - the only real annoyance comes when very often, we enter (or leave) our house and it feels like we have a grandstand of Poles watching us!

The boy I've nicknamed Augustus. (After "Augustus Gloop", the first character to find a "Golden Ticket" in the original "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory", and the first to be ejected if I remember, for drinking Willy Wonka's chocolate river and being sucked up the chocolate-making pipe.

This Polish boy is a mess. Fat as a spacehopper, I don't think I've seen him without some sort of confectionary being shovelled into his crop. Have you noticed that obese men, boys in particular, have the same "fat voice"?! It's as if the layers of blubber surrounding their voicebox have compressed their vocal chords so they have to shout everything in a squeaky, high-pitched squeal, even if their voices have broken. Almost as if their entire voicebox is made out of cake! (Think of the old character "Ro-land" in Grange Hill as an example).

This Polish boy alternates between stuffing his fat face and playing his computer games at top volume, with the odd Polish high-pitched "cakey" squeal thrown in for good measure.

He has a younger sister, and she's no better for very different reasons.

Have you ever seen the classic 1976 horror movie "The Exorcist", starring Linda Blair as "Regan", the demonically-possessed little girl.

Add two stones of lard to Regan, and you have the little Polish girl. She is often to be found in their front garden, in her night-clothes, wild hair, (apparently) glowing, staring eyes, and covered in filth. I'm not scared often - but she unnerves me - it's the way her evil eyes stare at us!

We can hear her running around next door also (why do the "smallest bodies ALWAYS make the most noise"?) throwing objects around. (Her head is almost certainly spinning, spraying green bile everywhere also)!

There you have Augustus and Regan, our 2 lovely Polish children next door. I will endeavour to take some sneaky photos of the terrible twosome, when I get a chance, and post them on this Blog...